Ode to the Standard Tourist - Part 2 and 3
I’m so unconventional
“Darling, why don’t we go to the poshest beach to kiss at sunset, just because we have seen it in the movies? Yes, just like we’ve been doing every single day since we arrived…come on!”
“Love, I love you when you get sunburnt at noon under the tropical sun – and cook yourself fluorescent as a chicken steak...Ohh..let me spread you with all sorts of creams and fruity lotions so that you become a dessert for local bugs! I wanna offer you a tattoo from a local artist, my name on your ass, what about that?
“Mate, we should refuse to eat in the (busy, greasy, not enough cheesy, breezy) street-stalls, but let’s go in (quiet, diet, aseptified, westernized) reastaurants.. look! there’s no people and what’s more, we’ll eat their leftovers from the month before! It’s even A/C and there are some open drains, so that we finally can complain! About the heat, the cold, the smell or the lack of service…but not about the rain… We can order pizza, burgers, coffee and steak, or a “spicy papaya salad but not spicy”.
“Look there! A cyclist!…but frown with a superior look! No doubts he must be a crazy crook… we are on our way to our next organized show- where we clap our hands when everyone else does so…and take selfies in front of a drugged elephant without having to shit our pants! The environment is all pre-constructed, aseptic, safe, we came here to be hassle-free, not free and brave!
“And finally don’t forget to believe, honey, in every bullshit local touts tell you to extort you money!”
I like the way you move…
Accelerating…wind in your hair …and in your flip flops..as you are overtaking me, I breath the exaust of your stinky moped…which has become an extension of your ass, wherever you go.. Light as an angel… An angel with tattoed wings, who takes domestic flights to move up and down the country “because they are cheap”. A devil who doesn’t smile, or say hello, or chit chat with other travelers who –by mistake- cross path with you. Who avoids hostels, cold showers and common rooms and runs away to the comforts of 3-star hotels with no soul. Time to get a taxi back, mate, Premier League Game is starting!
