Invent yourself (ouch) again..
A state that welcomes you only as long as you have or look for a paid job. The majority of those occupations being full time in an office. The interviewers looking tamed in comfortable offices. The unemployment service sending me ads about courses on digital marketing..mar-ke-ting for fuck’s sake. Or proposing me a position in an industrial production line with the benefit of a company car . That’ s surreal. Life in the city as atomized as it can get. Many people on the brink of job burnout. Everyone at work for most of the day. People buying houses, enjoying time with their families..and closing their eyes to the desperation in the streets. The ever-coming bad news of wars and genocide. The heatwaves and crazy weather events in front of our eyes..
I’ ve spent the last months applying for jobs that were somehow the most meaningful I could find.. but that I don´t really want to do, my main concern being not getting locked in an office for months..
Now I’m really wondering if the city is still my thing or is it too narrow now? Do I want to spend what possibly are the last years of my life playing by these rules? Or do I wanna be outside in the fields, among trees, engaging intentionally with the world and the people who have chosen the path of the wild? Is it possible to rebel meaningfully that way or is it just a vain escape?
There’s only one way to know it… Time to embrace courage and set off on a new journey. Despite age, despite unfulfilled personal expectations, despite uncomplete growth, despite being pretty antisocial at times, despite everything. This body can still take some beatings, this soul has some fire burning, this thinking is still somehow clear. I’ve started a personal reinvention since I quit my job some years ago. I’ve done some inner work to let go of what should have been. And I’m still alive and kicking.
Don´t have a base anymore where I can get to, now that my parents got back living in the Farm. That’s bewildering and also an opportunity exercise Freedom and responsibility towards Life by trying something different. If I can break the chains in my head, I am free.
Chains coming from expectations, from fears. Illusionary but solid chains, that cannot be shaken off but must be patiently deconstructed.
Oppression from family’s bonds, duties, responsibility towards elderly parents whose mental state has been heavily mined by the pandemics.
Internalized oppression due to the current lack of an intimate relationship and the slow but steady erosion of deep friendships.
The feeling of inadequacy, the shyness, the words that cannot get out of my throat...
The heavy burden of not being a father, feeling I miss part of the experience of the human condition.
The tears in my soul as I realize how that greedy bunch at the top of the hierarchy are taking us to total war against Life for the sake of economic growth...And the burning guilt of being a well-off white man who would like to do something meaningful but is quite stuck.
Oh- here’s a thought - maybe these chains can be blown up in the blink of an eye. Everything can change in an instant in our inner world, if the frame of understanding is replaced. What’s stopping me from mourning these losses and then dropping all these heavy weights in the river? To whom I need to explain my choices if not myself and the Gods of the Sky?
The main obstacle I am facing now is the lack of imagination. How could I have let imagination go? What’s the new path to unleash it again and create a new reality? How to be a visionary again? Challenge the unquestioned limits, the norms, experiment wildly, sin by action rather than by inaction, dare. Write down that fucking idea of how to change the world by building networks of communities! Prepare that theater piece about sociocracy and revolution! Keep learning music, but without making that an obsession. Make an effort to reconnect to your dark-side-of-the-Moon and explore lucid dreaming. Take weeks off to embark on a lone walk. And do those things that scare you..There will be a time not far away when you’ll be Dust and you’ll have time to Sleep, then.
There’s nowhere to go and time is short. Becoming a better human is what has been programmed into me, into us, since the beginning of times. Still don´t know how that’s going to concretely manifest, but I know it will take some effort and require a constant deployment of Intention. And, probably, very soon, scrambling the whole Deck of Cards...
