Correspondence from another time...

Anonymized version of remarkable email exchange I had during COVID times with someone I was totally intrigued by. The person I am corresponding with is mentioned as B. or N. or via the name of a bird, the raven. Despite her prose being way more beautiful than mine, I have to date no news from her. Therefore, for privacy reasons, only my letters to her are published here.
I consider this an historical document of the crazy times we were living in the year 20 of the current century… Times so dire that we still haven´t recovered. Times so surreal that they unleashed the poetry trapped in our busy routines...

__

From: me
Date: On Saturday, April 6th, 2024 at 12:37 PM
Subject: Re: how's lockdown (very long version) - the progress of the eye of the storm
To: her

Ciao B.
are you still responding to this mailboxes or the raven has now turned into a butterfly or something plus ephèmere?
Last night, as I was lying in bed, I did  what I never do. I opened my email from my smartphone and my sleepy fingers made a mess... and all my inbox went into the trash folder. Today, painstakingly trying to restore my messages one by one, I came across a gem from the past: our platonic email exchanges during the first lock-down.
An historical document on the tormented aura of those surreal times.

I must admit it was beautiful reading it again, par hasard

Curious on how you are doing. Whether success in life is achieving the status of famous actress or not.

(And I am back in Brussels waiting on a now cold coffee)

S or L

On Saturday, 9 May 2020 at 15:29, I wrote:
N.,

it took a while but some of your seeds finally turned into beautiful weeds. Like the dry bush of grass growing on top of inner courtyard wall..surprisingly shooting up a small but colorful flower into thin blue air.
Unexpected...on such bare brick. Perfect in its real-ness.
Nature still claiming a part in our sterile urbanized landscapes. Raise your head and look around: how many fellow living being, how many trees (or humble bushes) can you see? If that is none, chère B., that may be THE source of anxiety. We need to commune and share our moments with our wiser brothers and sisters, breathing  (with or without masks) some pure oxygen into our nostrils.

It took a while, yes, and your melting pot of philosophy stills keep me trapped into a dazzling, fuzzling "nuage". Like an existential cobweb which has been spun masterfully around my mind. What to reply to such clever and profound considerations, without sounding crass and too simple-minded?

(Radio silence)

You've said it all, you described the bittersweet feelings of confinement, your feelings in vivid examples, while I am unable to capture even my present state. And I've just finished a small meditation journey of 21 days, yet struggle to find clarity. Yes, a sense of gratefulness and overall happiness characterizes the present moment, but always accompanied by its alter-ego: the certainty that this joy will end and the daily preoccupation of defining the future.

Your reflection on the impossibility in living the present without having reassurance about the future and the past...hit the nail (I must say)! That was a big seed (or better a coconut) that dropped straight on my head! A giant bean who is growing vigorously on top of my skull, multiplying branches and ringing bells all around! So true and expressed in a way I had never thought of.
That's the source of dilemmas, the reason I feel guilty when getting caught in planning my ecocommunity dream... as if I was part of the crew of a boat sneakily trying to get on the lifesaving rig when seeing that the vessel is heading towards sharp cliffs...

Guilt no more, please! It's time to drop moral preconceptions and lead a life à-la-carte...case-by-case, where there's no absolute measures but only contextualized choices... each the fruit of unique reflections.. A remarkable life indeed, that would be. byebye habit, welcome improvisation.

I guess you know what I mean, actress. The best I can wish you is to find yourself off balance after all these weeks and tip over into a state of "flow"... being able to capture it and transmit it to others. Inspiration should be the force running the world (since we cannot force anyone to do anything - and yes it's really subcomandante sysyfo saying that... he who thinks in confrontation of power)...Inspiration is trasmitted only by being a living example and by wanting to reach out to others.

And here the circle has been squared.The irresolvable duality between ego-ism and generosity/sacrificee has been bridged.
So the decision is taken -the dice is cast for me: focus the mind and build the foundations to build a community and move out of the city. That's my new exciting but daunting mission. I've done the first virtual steps where I am dicussing with others some ideas for collective meaning... and now preparing to get out there and do some real ones.Visiting places, meeting eco-villagers in person... Don't know when or how, but the direction is south.

How's life in your little village? What are your long term plans , also called dreams? (I mean once the autoritarian block is over)

I wish you well and may craziness eat you alive, but in a good way!
Un abbraccio,
So I wait to hear from you in 10 days.. in the middle of deconfined euphoria!

L. detto S.

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Wednesday, April 22, 2020 1:03 PM,she wrote: (...) 2328 words

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Thursday 2 April 2020 16:01, I wrote:
B.,

full appreciation for your belated and sparkling reply,
It's honestly nice to hear from you and dive into a free flowing exchange of thoughts at the edge of chaos!

You are very considerate for a Raven! Aren't you supposed to get advantage of the situation and steal abandoned nests, thriving on the cracks of a failing civilization? I see you are doing it in a very subtle way, meandering into the recesses of the mind and experiencing the unexpected fruits of  those inner explorations... but at the same time keeping an emotional touch with the often dire daily reality of those others "strugglers" around you.  Is this tenser and tenser emotional rope going to snap at some point? Will you fall into the sweet abyss of confinement? Or, on the other extreme of the spectrum, give this all up and dive back into "normal" life? (as if normality ever meant anything...). Or are we all condemned to surf on this unstable equilibrium of opposed forces?

My mental state swinging like a pendulum, I wouldn't know how to answer this question for myself!

Luckily here in Belgium the possibility of outer walks is still given to us.. So we can question the Gods of the Elements everytime we are caught offguard by the new warping of reality operated by this powerful virus. Ah those looong healing walks with music... In other more southern countries, the storm is in full swing, locked down people literally driving mad.

Personally, the more time passes, and the more I see the autoritarian reactions of the states (which is there to stay well after the pandemic will be gone) the more I wonder if all this personal and collective "sacrifice" (if one may call it so, with all respect to those more tragic people's sacrifices in the past) is worth anything. I know I stand in a privileged position, but I hope you can afford me the benefit of doubt, since we have it for the long run, my friend.
I just don't know... As a society we've chosen the path of control and fear... is this because of solidarity to the most impacted, or because fear is the toxic social glue keeping all this turbo-capitalist puppetshow together?

We are all the sons and daughters of oil. None of us would be born (yet) if that energy-driven Great Acceleration did not happen. Maybe we are ALL illegal here on this Earth... rather than no one...
Instead of ritual existences and pursuit of our American Dream, maybe we should all earn full Earth citizenships through contact with unmediated physical reality. That's what walks in the forest are for, taking a lesson of reality. That's what learning handy skills would be for... Building, hammering, planting, practising interpersonal relationship with those in our proximity. Those are the moments where I've been happy in my long life, if I think about it.
But now, with all this growing preoccupation linked to a frame of understanding that's shifting  dazzingly fast, it's getting somehow harder to "forget oneself" and simply live.  Possibly the time has come.

Sorry for some excessive rambling, I've realized I've lost myself in the page. It will take a few more weeks of meditation to get out of this muddle...The only thing emerging for me is that we "need more courage", as cryptic as it may sound. Hope the Oracle of the Woods will give more clarificationduring my next stroll :)

I can relate quite much to your concept of "loss" of something possibly yet to come..(but at the same I seem to read some sign of real suffering in your lines, and I hope you are not torturing yourself too much with it...)  something fuzzy, something which seems to escape understanding... Sometimes I even wonder what a real, identifiable, terrible, concrete loss would feel and almost long for it. I don't know, a sort of attraction to an abyss that would somehow create sense. I know it sounds an horrible thought to accept, and the next moment I'm horrified of having entertained it. A stupid meandering indeed, because giving an external event the power to change you seems a crazy way of surrendering agency and being. Should try and become more Buddhist, aspiring at losing aspirations. OMM. Namaste and all that.

Take your time, breath, (try to) enjoy, keep surfing...

Will be grateful of being gifted of your thoughts, again.
ciao bella,
Ommmmmm

S. (or maybe L.)

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Friday, March 27, 2020 10:37 PM, she wrote: (...) 1255 words

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Tuesday 17 March 2020 17:35, I wrote:

Ciao B.,
glad your wings are growing back, was not aware you went thru a phase of exaustion, and -mind you- I don't wanna use the B word (so worn out as to be almost fashionable here in Belgium in this year '20 of late capitalism..). Sorry to hear that, actually. Would not have guessed that, from the Queen of Regen :)
Jokes aside, so many people around me have gone thru such phases recently (i myself was an inch from the abyss at some point...) as if this heroic effort to save the world was the result of a general malaise. If the earth is sick, we are, too. We can put patches here and there to survive the moment, but we will never fully heal the scars of reality, I believe. Mind you, we have just slightly opened Pandora's box and peeked in for an instant, just to find out what we saw to be outrageous and unbearable. We cannot even imagine the miserable lives of those who spend their entire existence in this dark box. Despite our vintage position, once we know what's under the iceberg, then it's too late to go back and unsee. The privilege of taking a step back (and Regen) is also a damnation, because of the ethical dilemmas linked to Choice. Sometimes I wish there were no options on the table so that I could more readily accept what is. But no, the possibility to step back is given to us, and we need to use it.
I am glad for you that you are making the most of it, sharpening the saw of the Mind. Wish I could do the same but I am still in the blank space between preconceived normality and current reality, adjusting focus, reading and embracing one minute, refusing to give up old ambitions the next minute. Maybe one more week of confinement will lead me to more philosophical craziness and I will too start meditating on the concept of reality, who knows? We'll all get there at some point and you seem to have 2 weeks of advantage...:)

Anyways, are you and your family OK right now?
I am doing fine, my parents are stressed but safely locked up in Italy, the mood is mumbling but good.
No more gatherings, parties, meetups since mid last week from my side and no sign of corona virus, yet. But I've met some selected people recently and gone for a few strolls. Therefore it's up to you to take the risk of a visit, depending on your safety protocols. Soap provided. 
Here's my Signal number, so it's gonna be easy to keep updated: 0XXXXXXXX we can share live updates of the belgian lockdown policies, i've heard a curfew is coming soon...
Ciao
Excitingly unsettling, yes
L.

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Tuesday, March 17, 2020 12:33 AM, she wrote:(387 words)

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Friday 13 March 2020 18:24, I wrote:
Coucou ,
You doing well, after all your performances?
Now that we are all locked up, you'll finally have the time to come for coffee, I guess, health-minister and federal police permitting...
I am already getting crazy when thinking of a few weeks in isolation (italy style).. with no other regen that a bottle of wine.
Chin up! and good luck!
L.

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Thursday, January 16, 2020 11:09 PM, she wrote: (...) 51 words

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Tuesday 7 January 2020 19:49, I wrote:
Ha!
did never notice you are a sort of email poet...
I got your message in the middle of the a night up awake writing XR press releases thundering against the car business..Now looking forward to some days off doing regen activities after the 18th... I like to imagine you guys doing yoga and aerobics while whispering some mantras to provoke a jump in global awareness...

Yes, you are always welcome in the recup house...you may be able to trade your beans for something else! (I can also invite D., but only upon request :)
If you are in the area in the next days, let me know and pass by! (blocus permitting...)
baba dag
Lino

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Monday, January 6, 2020 12:35 AM, she wrote: (...)154 words

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Saturday 4 January 2020 14:31, I wrote:
Hey N.
how are you. Wish you a late happy new year. Enjoyed the bisonours action..?Did you folks spread enough love, hugs and regen?
Take care
L